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For some reason, we get a lot of crackpot email here at Societas de Malleus Maleficarum. Either it's some jerkfaced weirdo who gets it into his knobby little head to try to sell us something, or it's Mr. Internet Political Expert who just has to share his unique insights with us.

Once in blue blood moon they actually have a point; for all those other times, we have the Mailbag.

Needless to say, all of this is posted in strict accordance with our extensive Privacy Policy and email use policy.

A real honest Internet Expert offers free advice

From: James Marshall ...
Subject: [admin contact] Important Website Security Information
Date: Thu, 15 Mar 2018 01:10:05 +0000
X-Spam-Level: ***


We just built a tool to test how secure your website is and how at-risk
you are of being hacked.

You can perform a free scan here: [1]Website Security Scan

We have seen a significant increase in websites being hacked the past 6
weeks and have tools which can keep your website safe.

If you want to discuss your results send me an email back and I can
provide further assistance.

Here to help!

James Marshall
Website Security Advisor

I'm overwhelmed by your sincerity and expertise. Please, advise me further on
taking network security advice from a complete asshole stranger online. I'm
really looking forward to installing your crapplication on our webserver.

Would you like some actually important information? We really had nothing at
all to do with your site going offline. We just uh, you know, scanned it.

It's nice to be known. It saves on crime-scene cleanup.

We actually get a lot of this kinda thing. I'll include this one here as a warning to others.

From: nathankyle...
Subject: [admin contact] Significant savings
Date: Tue, 31 May 2011 02:17:55 -0700 (MST)

Let us do the tedious SEO work for you. You know your business, we know
SEO. Our rates are some of the most competitive in the industry. We will
put in writing that everything we do adheres to all ethical Search Engine
Optimization guidelines. At a minimum you owe it to yourself and your
business to reply to this email so I can send you more information.

Y'know, you're right. I do owe it to myself--and my business--to reply. Here goes.

First, I don't give a damn about "SEO", blags, Google Analytics, banner ads, 
income generation or any other monetization process applied to the WWW. I 
don't care what the advertising agencies (i.e. Google) of the day think about 
this or any other projects of mine. None of us are here for that. If they want 
to promote VioPac, SocMal, or any other projects, they're welcome to. If they 
don't, fuck 'em anyway. We have more important things to do than obsess over 
something as trivial as page rank.

Clearly you understood all this before undertaking to email us. Since you 
accept the premise that pervasive advertising is goddamn annoying, and you 
injected your SPAM into our mail server you must welcome our enthusiastic and 
overwhelming response. We are bad people after all, and bad people with lots 
of bandwidth.

Terrible shame about all that lost data, hunh. 

Line noise
Subject: [Admin] Site-generated Request
Date: Sat, 21 May 2011 14:00:48 -0700 (MST)

Suodns great to me BWTHDIK

American education at work.

I wonder what "c***" means.
Subject: [Admin] Site-generated Request
Date: Sat, 21 May 2011 14:46:15 -0700 (MST)

More posts of this quality. Not the usual c***, plaese

Using asterisks was completely clever and I think you're a really smart person. 
I only wish I knew you in person because we could hang out all the time and become 
great friends. Then you could ******* *** in a **** and I could roast 
marshmallows over **** ****** ******.

His Satanic Majesty seems unable to decide just what he wants from us
Subject: [Admin] Site-generated Request
Date: Sun, 20 Feb 2011 18:18:47 -0700 (MST)

I am sure you are inundated by pleas for involvement in your cause from aspirant idiots spouting tenth hand cod
philosophy, I am hoping this, my application, is not seen in the same light.

I am a 40 year old semi retired writer and photographer who has been a disillusioned member of the Church of Satan for
the last two decades. I like to think that I have an above average level of intelligence, not just in respects of 'book
learning', but also critical analysis and Independant original thought. I am a methodical problem solver, have a
masterful knowledge of lesser magic extending way beyond basic NLP and into more invasive practices such as fast
regression hypnosis, though will open myself for derision in as much as I also believe in the practical application of
'Magick' to risk the pretensions of of Crowley's nomenclature. Again, whilst this aspect may not receive approval tout
Le monde, my approach to it is far more modern and closer to fringe science than mumbling "Bahlasti Ohmpehda" at people
and standing in protective circles. Is see this as part of my agnostic-deist nature mixed with an ongoing study of

I am politically inactive due to my all inclusive mistrust and dislike of extant socio-political bodies, and would very
much like to remedy this. I refuse to vote until a 'none of the above' option and compulsory polling are put in place,
in order for elections to better represent the zeitgeist; that most of the population don't give a tinker's cuss for
any of the candidates of ideologies that they represent. Sadly I have fallen victim to the 'little man' mentality that,
like everyone else, I use as an excuse for inactivity.

I feel that an association with a group free of disaffected teenagers and vapid nihilistic wannabes would be beneficial
to me. I hope you think that I would be able to reciprocate that benefit in turn.

I have tried to keep this as concise as possible, but will be happy to enterninto further correspondence, not least to
learn more about the machinations and direct aims of your group.

I open myself to your dissection and ridicule.

Cal Sorrows.

PS I may also fall into the category of physically weak and disabled as I walk with a cane, though I think I carry it
off quite well. Maybe it's the overall Dr House demeanour (please note that I had the Cold Steel City Stick with the
skull top years before he did) and acerbic wit I've been crafting over the last four decades? I also only use emoticons
when I'm talking to morons. I assume that I am not, therefore I shan't.

To which we duly responded, rather more thoughtfully than we would otherwise,

From: admins[at]...
Subject: Re: [Admin] Site-generated Request
Date: Thu, 24 Feb 2011 11:12:46 -0700

* Quoth (, on Sun, 2011.02.20, at 18:18 -0700:
> I open myself to your dissection and ridicule.

Well, we're going to have to mock you for the bit of French you included
(even if it weren't our Patriotic Duty). However, unlike most of the
people who think that sending us email is somehow a good idea, you've at
least walked by an English class; we appreciate the lack of l33tsp34k and
LOL garbage.

I can't think of anything nice to say about the CoS right now, short of
their leadership being melodramatic demagogues. I think their time has
come and gone. If that association is rewarding to you though, then you
need justify that to nobody.

I'm not sure what it is exactly that you're applying to us for, in the
sense that I don't know what we can offer you. We tend to be the sorts who
trade value for value and I'm wondering what value it is that you want to
exchange. We aren't brooding teenage narcissists or insipid malcontented
nihilists, well most of us; maybe you were just wondering whether there
was someone else out there who knew what "vapid" meant? That's fine too.
I for one wonder that too sometimes.


Oddly enough, a response was not forthcoming.